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one year"i just wanted to share one thing with you about how much your mom left
an impression on me. your mom was and still is the most graceful korean
lady i've ever met. i know i didn't really have a chance to get to know
her that well but i will always remember her in black cardigan sweater
outfit with white pear necklace. she looked so beautiful and
elegant.... how much you have been blessed to have her as your mom....."
"your
mother was such a beautiful lady, a true proverbs 31 woman. it was so
good to get to know her during our college years... your mom was always
hospitable and never seemed to mind having me over. she was a true gem
and we were all very blessed to know her."
"We live in an
era where people like this wonderful mother seem to be fewer and fewer.
As the love of many grows cold - speaking to us from another generation
is the love and character of God through women like this. This is just
one more touch of the legacy of God through this beautiful saint's life.
"When
I met (your) mom for the first time, I just remember thinking how refined
yet how gentle she was. She was one of the best cooks I have ever known
but more than that she had the aroma of Christ in her demeanor, the way
she spoke to you, the way she esteemed and encouraged you. I was
convicted to be a better mother to my children after reading this
entry."
"so many fruits of a woman who dedicated her life to the Lord."
today marks the one year anniversary... nothing to celebrate, but I mourn the loss of a great lady, and my mommy.
it
has been a year of grief, tears, exhaustion, fear and bewilderment in
the midst of a new blessing. Her life attests to many's respect, and
adoration. I shudder at the amount of pain her body must have been in
the last months of her life, and my last regret isn't that I didn't say
enough 'I love you's', it isn't that she didn't buy me a car when I was
16, it isn't that we didn't have a near perfect relationship, but that
I didn't ever grasp that she'd leave us at the time she did, and
believed so faithfully that she'll recover, that I never got to say
'goodbye' to her while she was conscience...
as I stare at
the gloves in my hands and remember packing last november, consciously
not packing winter gloves and scarves, believing that I'll be back to
boston by the time seattle's winter rolls around because surely, my
mommy will recover from her cancer with the slim chance of survival...
that trip was just a visit to be by her side, not to say good bye to
the woman who gave me life. I shuddered at the thought of packing
black clothes with the intent of dressing for a funeral.
There's
great void a great lady left behind in a family and it could never be
the family it was without her. I see the vacancy in my father's heart
that pushes him to live a year in denial, and the solemn silence of a
son who loved his mother more than life itself. And in myself, I see
the thirst for security and anchor, confidant and prayers of a mother
who left at such a young age without passing of so much of the gentle
wisdom and love that WAS in her.
Each mothers day, each
christmas, birthday, they all seem so foreign without her... Before,
when I received wonderful news, she'd automatically be the first to
know... but now, I have to think a second before knowing that when I
press that speed dial, she won't be there.
Her friends tell me
the blessing I currently have with the man in my life is the result of
a my mother's prayer... I still wonder, why a prayer of her 11 years
came to fruit without her witnessing it.
I receive the
outpour of love from those who miss her, and loved her. They love me
because she isn't here, or do they love because they miss her too? I'd
trade all that for a day with her. To quote a line from a movie, "I'd
rather hear her voice than any other sound in the world..."
She
said I used to hold onto her skirt when we were out, and wouldn't even
reach for the food laid out for me unless she handed it to me first...
I hold onto her still, I hide behind her love, teachings, and her
legacy.
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For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
Ill be forever thankful baby
Youre the one who held me up
Never let me fall
Youre the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
Im grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I dont know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
Youve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
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| if my mom had been on earth still, monday would be her 57th birthday... I asked what I'm suppose to do on such a day, someone advised me to light a candle, and do things I'd have done with her, and do things that she'd want me to do... and talk to her... what would that be I wonder? It still seems so unreal... Her birthday was so close to Valentines day... and she somehow always knew how I felt before I even brought it up... Last year she said, with love to a daughter who means so much, thinking of you on valentines day with warm memories of the littler girl you were, special pride in the wonderful person you are... and loving wishes for your happiness, now and always- because you're a daughter who means so much... She was always a step ahead... when I wished for one, she wished a 100 for me, when I hoped for a dozen, she hoped for 2 dozens... She sent: 3Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
4Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one's youth. Here's to the woman whom God chose to enter me into the world through... Happy birthday mommy... you are smiling right now I bet... you knew all this, didn't you? Wish you were here...I miss you... and I love you more today then yesterday... 
after 400+ footprints per week regarding my mom's memory, I'm moving my personal logs to www.xanga.com/julesjko | | |
| after going through the house and packing up things that belonged to my mother, it is strange to see her things packed up in bags and boxes for the Salvation Army to pick up... after seeing the stains on her old worn out clothes, I wonder why she didn't wash certain things when we owned 50+ washers and a dry cleaner laundromat. I wonder why she owned so many hankerchiefs, and why she kept the plastic cosmetic box I played with when I was young... whether dreams are brain wave left overs or prophetic statements... it's good to see her. I hope I can fulfill the purpose God has for this life as she has... a fond memory... when I was around 4, and my mom gave me korean style baths, as in, I'm not playing in a tub of water, but she's exfoliating my limbs with a rough wash pad, I would squirm so much from the tickling and 'scrubbing pain' I'd ask for just a soapy rinse instead... she'd make these little cartoony voices as my dead skin cells and say, 'oh, but I wanna stay on jules' body, I wanna live here, I don't wanna get washed into the drain, let me stay, let me stay!' when we went to the public bath houses, she'd buy me strawberry milk, and after I was done drinking it, she'd mix shampoo and water so i can blow bubbles and play with the milk container and straw...
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| it snows a day after my mom's funeral... she loved autumn so much... she died seeing foliage out the window, but snow falls on her fresh grave... I had written a bio of my mom to go into the funeral service bulletin, but to my anger, due to miscommunication, the english version did not make it to print... though the weather forecast was rain, the funeral morning came to us with sunshine and majestic clouds... but true to it's nature, by the end of the burriel, it was frigid cold and grey. Thank you to the 300 friends who attended the funeral and showed your support... I'm grateful for the tears shared, and relieved that you got to know my beautiful mother a little better... The adagio playing on the radio seems to be too melancholy this morning... 
bio- Bok Soo (Shin) Ko was born in Korea on February 12, 1950 as the second of 4 children, the only daughter of Duk Ho Shin & Hee Tae Kim. She was an obedient and responsible daughter and student. She had childhood dreams of becoming a dancer or a nutritionist. She graduated at the top of the premier major in business executive administrator studies of Ewha Women's University, and worked as the secretary of a famously respected university president Oak Gil Kim for 8 years. She was introduced to Kwang Cho Ko through her friend and his sister, and they married and had a son (Simon) and a daughter (Jules). She stepped down from her professional career to be a devoted mother, wife, and homemaker several years into the marriage. She came to know Christ as her Lord and Savior in her mid-30's, and has been a prayer warrior, evangelist, and a faithful student of the Bible. She was deeply involved with planting 2 new churches, and many bible studies. She enjoyed praising God, reading the Bible, hiking, gardening, and a quite modest life with her loving family. Throughout living in Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and an immigrant life to the US in her early 40's, she embraced many cultures, and languages, and lovingly prayed over and raised her two children in their own unique characters. After months of protesting stomach pains to the doctors, she was diagnosed with a stage 3 stomach cancer in April 2006. Though she received surgery and rigorous treatments, she was not able to regain her health. After 7+ months of battling the disease, she went home to be with our Lord and Savior on November 20th, 2006 from Providence Hospital in Everett. She was always so giving, and longed to serve God more with all that she had, and hoped to serve Him in the short term mission field in later years. She is greatly appreciated and missed by her loving family, friends, and community. She was a loving wife, and a loving mother. Her gentleness, humbleness, wit, great cooking, integrity, wisdom, and prayers will be thoroughly missed by all who knew her. *
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